I faked an abortion last night.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
