last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
