...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
