Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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