I heard we made out
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
