I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
