alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
