i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I need to align my fucking chakras
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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