I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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