I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
