There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
