I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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