do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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