Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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