I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
