Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
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Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
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My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again