she woke up with a sticky ear
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.