he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
