Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I believe in your delicious
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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