I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
