I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
