I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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