Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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