When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
