Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.