My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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