I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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