is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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