my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
