yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
