i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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