I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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