Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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