I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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