I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Bring me that man meat
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
