I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Hippo gnu deer
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
