I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
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You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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