I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
