using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
