I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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