I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
