the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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