Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
