He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
