i just sold back the books i vomitted on
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
