We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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