so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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