Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
