Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
