im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
