I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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