if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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