Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
