You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
