I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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