True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
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Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize