She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
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Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
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I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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