I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
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Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
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he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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