come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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