So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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